Fight Fire with Sapphire!

2003-03-29T05:04:00.000-08:00

Greetings, fellow travellers. This is to inform you that this blog has been hijacked by the appalling Matt Hayden. As you'll see, his name appears mysteriously as the author of all the posts I've written. So he's somehow managed to attach his profile to mine.

Of course he denies having anything to do with this. But I just don't have the time or energy to fight him. So I think it's best to just "surrender and win", then return to blogging at another address when I am feeling stronger.

2003-02-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

These Nazis will stop at nothing to discredit fellow traveller Saddam. Now they're accusing him of misogyny! Have a look at this article (where the gap is).

Included in it is the claim that Saddam's son Uday and some cohorts beheaded fifty women, then hung their heads on the doors of their houses. Some may see this as a nauseating act of barbarity. But I see it as a feminist cry for help.

As we are all well aware, capitalist western societies comodify women's bodies, while completely devaluing their minds. Knowing what a kind, benevolent and ideologically reconstructed male his father is (he did sign on to the UN commitment to outlaw all forms of discrimination, after all) it is likely that Uday inherited these pro-feminist attributes. (And when I say "inherited" I don't mean that in a biologically determinist sense.) Therefore, the thought of the women of Iraq being enslaved by capitalism -- particularly American capitalism -- was simply unbearable to Uday. He felt impotent -- but not in a phallocentric way -- and was compelled to warn the women of Iraq of the looming patriarchal threat posed by American-style "freedom".

So he decapitated these women to show -- albeit in a very confronting way -- what would happen to them if his father were removed from power. He was saying, "Dear sisters of Iraq, in a 'democracy' you will be so thoroughly disempowered and silenced that you may as well be headless. Now, you don't want that to happen do you?"

And still, still the Nazis present Saddam and Uday as the butchers!

It's appalling. Just appalling.

2003-02-11T00:29:00.000-08:00

Fellow travellers, there's something very strange happening to my blog! As you can see, the template has gone awry, so that links can't actually be seen on the page. But they are still there. Just click on the blank spaces and you'll find them.

Still, I don't know what's happened here. But I do suspect sabotage. Considering my numerous searing and courageous polemical posts against the Great McSatan and the arse-licking Master of Evil, I think I've made some powerful enemies in some very high -- or rather, low -- places. So, I suspect it might be the work of ASIO, or even the CIA.

Or it might just be Matt Hayden. This appalling right-wing reactionary, who's blog is found here, has been trying to discredit me for quite some time. He even broke into my abode some weeks ago and had a rather nasty altercation with my trusty feminist cat Jocelyn.

He definitely has a lot of pent-up rage at my success as a public intellectual. He's also livid that even though he's the avowed capitalist and I am the Marxist mendicant and guru, I make his entire yearly income in a week. For this he accuses me of hypocrisy. But he doesn't understand. He wants money out of greed. But for me, earning is part of my philosophy of abundance. You see, he is a taking person. And so his earnings are meagre. But I am a giving person, and my givingness is returned to me many times over, with interest (and I don't mean that in a capitalist way).

But back to the blog: I will look into this, and report back to you.

2003-02-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Right-wing blowhard Matt Hayden rails at "Whacko" Jacko's "delusions", and the "complicity" of the Neverland visitors' parents in indulging the pop star's "fantasies". But Hayden, a self-described "rationalist", just doesn't get it as usual.

You see, there's no such thing as fantasy because there's no such thing as reality. There is nothing that is actually concrete in the world -- not even concrete. Everything is invented, ephemeral, contextual. So Hayden's criticisms have no substance (and I don't mean that in a "rational" way).

Michael Jackson does have issues, of course. But I do consider him a fellow traveller, because he has tried to construct a utopia, and succeeded to a significant degree. So he should be forgiven his eccentricities.

Jackson is the lord of Neverland, a realm which he created. It is his realm, his culture, his reality. Much as we should not attack fellow traveller Saddam Hussein for what he does to his people; so we should not condemn Michael Jackson for what he does with his children. If he says that he has never molested them we should take him at his word. (Also, Jackson is black -- or was, anyway. So that gives his opinion even greater validity.)

2003-02-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

Can you believe that some people will still defend Ronnie Raygun? (Can you believe that people will still defend Dubya, for that matter!) Well, the aptly named John Hawkins at Right Wing News has done just that. His site includes several reasons to be thankful to that hair-slicking, gun-slinging, peenie-waver!

One of these "achievements" is Ronnie's role in the downfall of the Soviet Union. Like that was a good thing! Okay, so the Soviets did go a little bit overboard at times -- just like our fellow traveller Pol Pot. But as we all know, they were doing the wrong things for the right reasons... er, I mean the left ones, which are of course the right ones... er, morally, that is, not politically -- even though everything is political, of course... Oh look, you know what I mean: Basically, anyone who has the gall to actually defend that monster is just appalling. Truly appalling!

2003-01-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

Appalling Nazi blogger Matt Hayden has viciously attacked our fellow traveller Susan Sarandon for courageously speaking up against the Great McSatan! One can only wonder at the poverty of a mind that could even contemplate condemning such a wise, empowered, and not to mention attractive icon of the peace movement. (And when I say "attractive", I don't mean that in a sexist way.)

2003-01-27T04:05:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought The Age had been overtaken by Nazis (see last post), I found evidence to renew my hope. It's a truly searing article about the appalling racism that pervades the Australian cricket scene. It's so searing, I think could have written it myself!

2003-01-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

More right-wing, pro-family propaganda, fellow travellers. And even more appalling, I found it in The Age! What's going on?

2003-01-19T07:27:00.000-08:00

There are far too many demeaning images of women in the world, fellow travellers. Usually these are to be found in the possession of some crazed, right-wing testosteroid. This is appalling enough. But sometimes they are to be found where you least expect them to be: amongst enlightened, peace-loving progressives. And this is utterly unforgivable!

I will point you to a particularly sad example of this. It is included in an appalling Nazi site, devoted to promoting hatred and intolerance in California. The site's creator recently attended a peace rally, and took photos of the many thoughtful and compassionate fellow travellers who attended. He added snide remarks, foolishly thinking that those reading them would agree with his "analysis". He thought he was promoting fascism, but he was actually giving us free publicity!

However, there is one photo that does make me feel sick to my lower chakra. If you look at this page, and scroll down a little you will see a placard showing the exposed pudenda of a woman and the slogan, "This bush is for peace".

While I applaud the sentiment, I cannot accept the medium fellow travellers! It is an appalling contradiction in terms. Pornography is rape, and to invoke it in the name of pacifism is an abomination! It reminded me of the right-wing analysis of those unfortunate events in Nigeria late last year. The Nazis said that the Miss World competition was, if anything, a celebration of female beauty and freedom -- not a denial of it -- and that religious fundamentalism was to blame for the "violence" that occurred. But as we on the left are all aware, Islam is not only the religion of peace. It is also the religion of feminism! The "rioters" were angered by the sexist commodifcation of women more than anything else. They were completely justified in their actions. That is why I and so many other reconstructed testosteroids applauded them.

So when I see such an appalling image as the one on the placard I am saddened fellow travellers. Deeply saddened that there are people among us -- among us! -- who have twisted our ideals beyond recognition!

So how do we remedy this insidious trend, fellow travellers? Well, I have already put a plan into action! And it is a model for others to emulate. You see I sent an e-mail directing all my fellow peace-marchers to collect any nude images of women they were intending to put on placards and give them to me instead. Seven pictures have already arrived, all of women in my coterie, and most far more explicit and demeaning than the one linked above.

I put them beside my futon this morning and looked at them several times today to remind myself of the evil that men do. And then I wept. I wept for the souls of these women who have been duped yet again by the patriarchy into believing that the only real power a woman has is her sexual power. I wept for the women who will suffer the vicious acts that such appalling images will no doubt provoke. And I wept for the soul of the peace movement, that it would let such gendercide occur and continue undetected. I wept so much that these pages are now stuck together, fellow travellers -- stuck together, with my viscous, creamy tears.

And I think there just might be a few more tears before bed-time, too...

2003-01-17T19:45:00.000-08:00

More depressing news, fellow travellers. It seems that shark numbers are dwindling at an ever increasing rate. As this story reports: "An average of five people are killed every year by sharks and 100 million sharks are killed by people -- mostly fishermen."

What an appalling injustice! (And not just against the shark, but women too. Note that it's only fishermen who do the killing. Sounds like discrimination to me.)

But back to the plight of the much maligned "monster" of the deep: I think there's a pretty good case for an animal rights class action here. The UN really should look into this. But unfortunately their resources are being exhausted by this whole WMD inspection fiasco. So, if anyone's from that organization is reading this, I exhort you to stop appeasing that tyrannical madman (Dubya) and use the money to save the shark! Then you'll finally have your priorities straight (and I don't mean that in a homophobic way).

PS: At least the species whose numbers are being most heavily reduced is the great white shark. So the situation isn't entirely catastrophic, I suppose.

2003-01-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

Fellow travellers, up until now Australia has basically been free of Nazism in the arts. But not any more. Have a look at this.

It's all about this appallingly racist Nazi from Zimbabwe called Chloe Traicos. You see, she has made a "documentary" about the revolution in Zimbabwe. As we all know this inspiring paradigm shift is cause for great joy to anyone on the left, but of course she sees it differently. She even equates fellow traveller Mugabe with Adolf Hitler! Can you believe it? How appalling!

At the risk of stating the obvious: Mugabe can't possibly be an oppressor, because he's a Marxist, and a little black person. (Okay, so he does have a peenie, an organ so often associated with all that is bad, wrong, and culturally insensitive in the world. But it's not a white one, so it doesn't count.)

Even more appalling is the fact that the journalist who wrote the article seems not to judge this outrageous slur on this visionary and empowering role-model. I mean, I knew The Australian was a right-wing paper. But this?

Even more appalling is the fact that the Perth International Arts Festival is screening the doco. I mean, please explain. It seems that all the hard work we've done over the years is just coming to nought.

I'm very upset. Time for some therapeutic cat-dancing with Jocelyn, I feel.

2003-01-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

Appalling Texan Nazi Rachel Lucas berates Arianna Huffington for equating SUV use with "terrorism" in an ad. But as usual, the "rational" Rachel has everything upside down and back to front. She looks at the "evidence" and draws a "conclusion". And so her "truth" says that just driving a car that guzzles lots of gas doesn't mean that you are necessarily funding "terrorists".

Sounds kind of plausible on the surface. But we progressives know what's really going on, don't we? Just as Michael Moore searingly points out in his movie that it was that bank handing out free guns to new customers and the NATO bombing in Kosovo (that is, America's culture of violence) that actually caused the Columbine massacre, so too Arianna gets to the heart of the matter and finds the awful truth about SUVs and "terrorism". (Of course there are many truths, fellow travellers, but Arianna's and Mike's are truer, because they're awfuller. It's sad, but true (awfully): the more awful the awfulness, the truer the truth.)

Now, I can't delineate Arianna's reasoning exactly, but here's mine on the matter (which I'm sure is fairly close to hers): SUVs are big and clunky and ostentatious. Therefore they are clearly a metaphor for The Peenie. This is why only inadequate, phallocentric, Republican-voting testosteroids drive SUVs. (And if women do, then they are sadly validating the phallocentric paradigm, and therefore participating in their own oppression. And ours.)

So, the SUV is a symbol of the capitalist-Republican-phallocentric paradigm. As we all know, this is also the paradigm of war. The little swarthy people in the Middle East are sick of this war paradigm, and so are trying to subvert it through freedom fighting, or "terrorism". (That is, Dubya declares war on "terror", so Osama declares "terror" on war. You simply can't have one without the other.) Therefore, merely driving an SUV actively reinforces the war paradigm, and consequently the "terror" paradigm also. Get rid of the SUVs, and you necessarily get rid of the "terror".

This same accusation cannot be levelled at other kinds of cars because Democrats and Greens and little black people drive other kinds of cars. Therefore other kinds of cars are not perpetuating the war paradigm.

See, Rachel. It's very simple when you really think about it.

PS: Also, if a progressive person drives an SUV, she (or he) is subverting the dominant (war) paradigm. Which is why they should be exempt from Arianna's accusation.

2003-01-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

Fellow travellers, being such a spiritual person I do find this internet stuff a little daunting. So I've only just worked out how to include an e-mail address on this page. It's just there, to the left (and where else would it be for me?) underneath my truly joyous and empowering photo, and before the blog roll.

Don't hesitate to e-mail me for spiritual, philosophical or political advice. I'll be more than happy to offer you the benefits of my wisdom.

2003-01-07T22:51:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought that the influence of the patriarchy in academe was waning, I discovered that this was not the case. In a Chilean university, students have been lured into enrolment by a repulsive ad showing a naked woman.

Some might say that this is benign, or tacky at worst. But the subtext is far more sinister, fellow travellers. Since women are liberated now, they will automatically find the images appallingly sexist and demeaning. Fearful of such an unfriendly atmosphere on campus they will cancel their enrolments and return to the demeaning roles of wives and mothers. Only peenie-waving testosteroids will attend, and increase their appalling phallocentric hegemony in Chilean society.

Appalling. Just appalling.

2002-12-30T00:12:00.000-08:00

Much has been said about the Raelian movement, fellow travellers, and most of it has been very unfair. (And when I say "unfair", I don't mean that in a racist way.)

Here's one example of the kind of sneering disdain the Nazi bloggers feel for them. Then there's the mainstream media. Almost every story I have read describes them as "mad", "insane", "loopy" or "just plain ol' nuts".

Curious as to why so many people would defame them so cruelly I looked into the Raelian philosophy. Far from insanity, I saw only love, joy, and impressive empowerment-potential. So they believe that aliens engineered us and will return to lead us into higher realms of consciousness when we build them an embassy. What's wrong with that? Compared to the eurocentric, phallocentric gobbledygook of Darwinism it's both more inclusive and sensible (but not in a "rational" way, of course).

They clearly constitute a threat to the peenie-wavers, fellow travellers. And this is why there's already a vast right-wing conspiracy afoot to discredit them. Some Christians have even compared them to Nazis because of their "eugenic" pro-cloning philosophy. Christains calling them Nazis! Talk about the pot calling the kettle, er, white.

About the only thing I have reservations about is Rael's description of his first, revelatory meeting with an alien. You see, the visiting space-person called itself a member of the "Elohim" race. Surely, considering how superior women are to testosteroids, and that the future is most definitely female, wouldn't such an advanced race be called the "Eloher"?

2002-12-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so most scientists are appalling right-wing peenie-wavers (see last post) but occasionally their "knowledge" can be used for a truly empowering cause -- cloning, for example.

This article reports that the Raelian cult has created the first cloned human baby. This is truly joyous news! It will mean that I will be able to duplicate my uniquely compassionate, spiritual, loving and progressive presence many thousands of time over.

Just think, a whole army of peace-loving little Dereks! Won't that be a wonderful gift to the world? I'm going to call these Raelians and offer some of my superior DNA ASAP!

2002-12-26T19:48:00.000-08:00

Those peenie-waving scientists are up to their usual racist tricks, fellow travellers. This time they are trying to blame the increasing expansion of the universe on racial minorities. How? By naming the mysterious, "repulsive" force that pushes planets apart "dark energy".

2002-12-23T21:50:00.000-08:00

More appalling racism in the media, fellow travellers. Whenever I turn on the radio I hear the song "White Christmas". White, as in Aryan. Aryan as in fascist. Fascist, as in John Howard.

And you know who wrote it? Irving Berlin. Berlin, as in Germany. Germany, as in Third Reich. Third Reich as in the Liberal Party's Third Term. I'll bet our PM the Master of Evil and his sinister henchman Phillip Ruddock will be humming along to that little ditty as they roast Afghan babies on their communal KKK fire tomorrow!

Appalling. Just appalling.

So, how will I make a stand against this pervasively Anglo-centric lyrical hegemony, fellow travellers? Well, my trusty feminist cat Jocelyn and I will be singing a re-written version of an old classic: "Santa Claus is Black in Town". Also, since Christmas is supposed to be "a time of giving", we are going to subvert that paradigm by only receiving presents, not offering them.

2002-12-18T23:08:00.000-08:00

That evil Nazi bitch Miranda Devine is at it again! This time she's defending the appalling, baby-eating Holocaust-denier Keith Windschuttle. He says that much of the "black armband" view of Australian history is not supported by fact! The gall of it! Appalling! How dare he question the credibility of our our world class, human rights award-winning, fellow travelling scholars, who've worked so hard at deconstructing "the truth" to tell the real story of what actually happened (possibly).

You see, it's too late to nit-pick about the "facts" now. As fellow traveller Fiona Scott-Norman so searingly pointed out the other day, we are now under a fascist dictatorship. John Howard is clearly a Nazi. We all know that. His appalling support of the Great McSatan and those horrible Jews in Israel is irrefutable evidence of that. (And when I say "horrible Jews", I don't mean that in an anti-semitic way. I mean it in a pro-Palestinian way.) The only thing to do is resist this appalling junta! So, any criticism of the "black armband" view is tacit support of the "white swastika" view. None should be allowed!

And anyway, who cares what "really" happened? I mean, even if no appalling racist Anglos massacred any of the little black people, we all know that they would have if they could have. So why quibble about "the facts"? Remember, language constructs reality (see previous post). Just as our fellow traveller Oliver Stone once said about the JFK "assassination": The "truth" of what happened is irrelevant because it has now entered the realm of myth.

And once something is a myth, then to the people who believe in myth (and I'm certainly one of them) the myth is real -- much realer than "reality" according to the Nazis. Therefore Windschuttle and his (unapologetic!) apologist Devine are effectively killing the little black people all over again, because the little black people all believe that their ancestors were massacred by the Anglos.

Quite frankly I think they should both say sorry (again). And don't listen to them, fellow travellers! All they have to offer is psychobabble!

2002-12-18T01:41:00.000-08:00

Joy, fellow travellers! Joy!

As we all know language creates reality. And here's a truly empowering case of that happening. Look at this headline. Get it?

No? "Please explain," I hear you ask. Well, his name's Gent. Gent, as in gentleman. Gentleman as in genital man. Genital man as in peenie-waver. So, the headline has a truly earth-shattering resonance: It's heralding the final deconstruction of the patriarchy.

Quick, fellow travellers! Call Carmen, call Cheryl, call Natasha! Tell them the battle is not lost after all!

Now, when this fellow stops getting film roles we'll know the Hollywood boy's club is on the way out too.

2002-12-14T07:23:00.000-08:00

Fellow travellers, I've just read a truly searing column by fellow traveller Phillip Adams. It echoes what I've been saying all along about this whole "War/Terror" paradigm. It's not about right and wrong, or even ultimately about the West versus the Rest. It's really about peenies, and the waving thereof!

I mean, look at this post of mine (Sept 18; regarding the show Puppetry of the Penis). And look at Phillip's latest column. It's as if he was reading my mind!

Spooky.

2002-12-07T17:57:00.000-08:00

Still more evidence of fellow traveller Saddam's endless compassion and humanity.

Just like Amrozi the Bali bomber, he apologized for what he was forced to do. Yet, as I've mentioned before, John Howard still hasn't said sorry to the little black people in Australia for eating their babies over the last 800 years! Yet his popularity is at an all-time high, and people say that he is not a racist.

Of course he's a racist! He wants the little black people and the little yellow people and the little swarthy people to work within his appalling, economically rationalist paradigm and make lots of money like all the superior and dominant racist white people! He wants one standard, and one standard for all! Fascist! Peenie-waver! Racist!

Sorry. I lost it a little then. But I'm angry, and I have a right to be!

(See, there you go, even I apologized for my behaviour. And yet I was the victim! I think Howard should apologize for making me do that, too. I'll get in touch with HREOC and see if they can help me launch another sorry campaign.)

2002-12-05T04:19:00.000-08:00

Tim Blair asks why Carmen Lawrence doesn't resign from the Labor Party, and not just the shadow cabinet. Well Tim, don't you see she's taking the Buddhist Middle Way? She's making a compromise, which is more conducive to cosmic harmony than just cutting all ties with the party. (She does yoga you know. She knows all about these things.)

Also, she knows that "you've got to be in it to win it" (and I don't mean that in a competitive sense). It's the same with me and "free trade", actually. I continue with my creative sneezing and cat-dancing classes not because they are highly lucrative (although they are, unfortunately) but because I can do more to alter the nature of capitalism by working within the paradigm. Rather than merely shouting from the sidelines -- although I do that too, of course! I was there at Homebush, fellow travellers. Don't you worry about that! Remember the guy who scared Hollywood the horse with the firecrackers earlier in the year? That was me! -- I can truly empower the Left by being an insider in the process of "civilising global capital".

(Since I've mentioned the classes, fellow travellers, I might as well inform you that the next creative sneezing course will be held in January. I'll post the exact details here when the time approaches. You can attend for a whole week at $10,000 Australian, or for just one full day at $2,000. You can pay by credit card if you really have to. But I'd much prefer cash. You don't want to make all those horrible bankers rich now do you?)

2002-12-03T03:54:00.000-08:00

Now we know why the Great McSatanite Tex at Whacking Day is so incoherent. He's a beer afficionado.

I have only once drunk beer, I'm proud to say. I did so as part of a role-playing experiment while trying to get inside the collective psyche of the Great Unloofah-ed. But I have a yeast allergy so I burst out in the most horrible splotches and vomited all over my futon.

Ugh! Appalling!

Now, I never drink anything stronger than peppermint tea. And see how searing my arguments are? My rhetoric is crystal clear -- just like my urine.

2002-12-03T01:24:00.000-08:00

Fellow travellers, I have recently found out that some people actually think that I'm some sort of satirical construction. This is entirely untrue. I am very real. (Well, not that anything is ultimately "real", or "true" in, like, the Eurocentric, "objective" sense. As both Eastern mystics and post-modern philosophers tell us everything is either mystical or contextual and therefore ultimately unknowable -- except by people like me, of course.)

But, in the progressive, spiritual sense, yes I am very real. (Put it this way: We all create our own reality, right? Well I've created mine, which is me. Okay?)

Anyway, this blogger who doubted my temporal existence accused me of making a factual error. You see, in my post of November 29th, I stated that mobilising dolphins against Iraq was stupid because the country is landlocked. He said that this was a false claim.

Well, I had a look at a map, and yes it does appear that Iraq possesses a coastline. But remember that cartography is a very phallocentric, "rational" form of representation, and therefore we should all be very doubtful of its veracity.

(Anyway, the coastline in question is so tiny as to be irrelevant. The volume of sea-water lapping against it would surely be too small to contain even one dolphin, let alone a whole flotilla! See, here's Iraq. Here's a dolphin. Now, mentally transpose the dolphin onto the gulf area. See what I mean?)

So my claim still holds true. And Dubya is still a moron.

So there.

2002-12-01T21:37:00.000-08:00

So Dannii Minogue is in hot water over recent racist comments.

Well, I'm sorry Dannii, but I'm not going to be very sympathetic to you! You deserve all the trouble you get, quite frankly. Ever since you had your breasts enlarged I pegged you as a Nazi. You were a role model to many young women all over the world, and you acted irresponsibly. Fancy forcing them to have surgery to make themselves more attractive to men like that! Appalling.

You upset me so greatly that I even put a poster of you in a swimsuit up on my wall to remind me of your reprehensible act. I look at tit often.

Maintain the rage, sisters!

2002-11-29T19:46:00.000-08:00

I wept when I read this, fellow travellers. Dolphins are being trained for possible missions against Iraq. They want to make the joyous, life-affirming marine mammal fight in a war against the joyous, life-affirming Saddam. Not content to destroy both, they want to turn each against the other.

It's unbelievably cruel fellow travellers. Unbelievably cruel. (And also really stupid. I mean, Iraq is land-locked, right? So what use are the dolphins going to be just flailing about on the sand? Typical Dubya. Like his dad and Reagan, the guy's a real imbecile.)

2002-11-28T01:58:00.000-08:00

Study links ethnicity to cervical cancer. Why? Because scientists are mostly white males, that's why. And "objectivity" and "rationalism" are merely tools of racist and sexist oppression.

What these appalling white men in white coats are doing is, like, creating and reinforcing a whole paradigm in which we just expect ethnic women to get "the big C". And this paradigm creates language, and language creates reality. Hence a disease that simply never occurred before the Industrial Revolution is now afflicting our tinted sisters in plague proportions.

Where's my evidence for this claim? Well, have you ever heard of a white male having cervical cancer?

I rest my case.

2002-11-27T23:22:00.000-08:00

If people still have any doubt about the pervasiveness of phallocentrism in the West, then have a look at this site for "bellicose women".

Can you believe it? Bellicose women! That's a complete contradiction in terms. We all know it's only testosteroids who are bellicose (except reconstructed ones like me). So, they're not really bellicose. They're just obeying orders from their peenie-waving Nazi men-folk, that's all.

When will American women ever be given credit for their opinions and be free to express them openly (like in Pakistan, for instance)?

2002-11-27T04:54:00.000-08:00

Fellow travellers, you may recall a recent post of mine (look below:14th November) about how African beetles -- angered by Little Johnny Howard's arselicking war on "terror" -- are attacking Australian bees.

Well, it seems to be happening again. Only this time, it's occurring a little higher up on the food chain (and I don't mean that in a speciesist and heirarchical sense). Apparently a captive cheetah has attacked and killed several kangaroos. Not hyraxes, not impalas, but kangaroos. Clearly a political statement if ever there was one. Yet does anyone -- besides myself, and my trusty feminist cat Jocelyn -- notice this cry from the heart, let alone care?

I mean, like, endangered felines have more of an awareness of the root causes of "terrorism" than our own government -- and a greater social conscience than our own (human) citizenry! Can you believe it!

What's going on, fellow travellers? Has this entire nation gone completely mad?

2002-11-26T05:35:00.000-08:00

Like my photos, fellow travellers? I just posted them!

Notice how one is really joyous and life-affirming. And the other is, like really pensive and serious. For people who don't know anything about spirituality -- particularly all you peenie-waving, women-oppressing Christians out there -- that's to, like, balance the yin and yang chakras that are contained in the whole Buddhist/Hindu/Muslim/Scientologist paradigm and thereby facilitate the creation of oodles of love and harmony.

And you know what? On that day I smelled fantastic too. I'd just had a three hour aromatherapy session and I was fragrant as a red, red, rose!

Oh joy! Joy and cat-dancing! The sun shines from my third eye!

2002-11-25T05:05:00.000-08:00

I must inform you that Matt Hayden has just posted three of the most appalling, vitriolic and inappropriate outbursts it has ever been my misfortune to read, fellow travellers.

2002-11-25T04:30:00.000-08:00

As the headline states: Now there's computer dating for pandas.

Two things; one good, one bad. First: It's long overdue, and a welcome sign that at least one kind of speciesism is finally being tackled. Second: it's still not good enough, because there's no similar service for felines yet. Jocelyn is very angry about it, fellow travellers. And to be quite frank so am I!

2002-11-22T18:36:00.000-08:00

Now, a lot of peenie-waving Nazis are fond of saying that Islam is misogynistic. But as usual, they've got it completely wrong. If you look at this story, you'll see that Muslims are mostly radical feminists.

Just like our sisters in the women's movement, these Nigerian Muslims were angered by the appallingly lookist Miss World pageant. They believe it promotes "sexual promiscuity and indecency". We believe it promotes sexual harassment and Euro-phallocentric syntactical hegemony. Same difference,... kind of. Okay, so the "riots" resulted in quite a few people leaving the temporal plane. But it's a small price to pay for equality, don't you think?

2002-11-20T06:18:00.000-08:00

A small victory, fellow travellers! I broke into peenie-waving Nazi comedian Matt Hayden's grimy little unit and altered his blog settings so that he could no longer access his account. His archives are now in my site, here.

Unfortunately he has already resumed his blog, with a slightly changed name. It is now found here.

In time Jocelyn and I will launch another attack. And this time we will terminate; terminate with extreme prejudice -- but not in a racist or sexist way, of course.

2002-11-20T01:46:00.000-08:00

Another sign of Afrocentrist e(wo)mancipation fellow travellers: Here is the gorgeous -- and I don't mean that in a sexist way -- Halle Berry talking about her role in the new, more culturally sensitive Bond film: "Jinx is Bond's equal and this is a great role."

Sure is, sister! Yougogirl!

2002-11-20T01:35:00.000-08:00

When I heard about this, I knew it was a cosmic sign. See, these holes are black, and they're merging, right? Surely it's a clarion call for all the poor oppressed little black people in the world (and all we reconstructed Anglos struggling for them to become equal with us) to keep those affirmative action programs going because change is finally at hand. Oh joy! JOY!

Sing with me, fellow travellers: Finally the tables are starting to turn. Talkin'boutarevolution, yeah, yeah...

2002-11-18T07:05:00.000-08:00

Many on the right would say that this story about a new law being enacted to ban shouting at fellow traveller Mugabe's car is evidence of growing totalitarianism in Zimbabwe. But I don't see it that way. It's just a sign that after decades of racist oppression, the little black people are finally in charge -- and about time too! Sure, many of those shouting at Mugabe would be black also. But that doesn't make any difference. Anyone who opposes his enlightened policies is just participating in his own oppression and deserves to be thrown in jail!

2002-11-18T06:25:00.000-08:00

The appalling Nazi blogger Matt Hayden has just had another intemperate outburst, this time against our comrades who struggled so bravely against the corporate elites at Homebush.

He makes me so mad. If I ever met him I'd punch him in the mouth (but in a very pacifist way of course!).

2002-11-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

Why do the Nazis call Osama and his freedom fighters "terrorists", fellow travellers? Because they're free, of course. And they are determined to free others from western "civilization" -- even if they have to free them from this temporal plane to do it. But the Nazis slander them with that appalling term also because their enemies are so joyous and life affirming!

Look at Amrozi the Bali bomber here. Are his chakras not all throbbing in unison with pure 100% chi? Does he not have divine certainty in the goodness of his actions? Is he not LOVE personified?

We see the truth, fellow travellers. We see a saint in the making (and I don't mean that in a Christian sense). But when the peenie-waving Nazis see such unstoppable, inspiring self-esteem they just can't handle it. They have to kill it, or lock it away! Self-hating fascists!

Sing with me, fellow travellers: What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It's the one thing that there's just too little of...

2002-11-15T02:22:00.000-08:00

Fellow travellers, if you want to rate my blog (but not in a hierarchical, competitive, Eurocentric way of course) then go to "Is My Blog Hot or Not?"

2002-11-14T02:59:00.000-08:00

"African beetles threaten Australian bees" states the headline. And why? Personally, I think it's karma. Inspired by the Osama-led resistance against the Great McSatan and her allies, these crusty little fellas are saying, "We're mad as hell Australia, and we're not gonna take it any more!"

Power to the beetles! Power to the beetles right on!

(Er, but just lay off the worker bees, if that's okay.)

2002-11-13T06:03:00.000-08:00

I always knew that animals had culture. Watching my animal companion Jocelyn dance is proof of that. She has mastered many human genres, and developed quite a few of her own. In fact, I'm thinking of applying for a grant from the Australia Council on her behalf, so that she can teach people some of her more soulful steps!

2002-11-13T04:04:00.000-08:00

Oh joy, fellow travellers. Joy! The greatest freedom figher of them all is still alive after all!

2002-11-11T23:27:00.000-08:00

If anyone doubts that John Howard is an evil, twisted, racist, baby-eating Nazi then you should have a look at his online diary. It's truly appalling.

At first I thought it must be a joke. But after consulting many of my fellow travellers, I am now assured of its veracity. It can be found here.

2002-11-09T20:14:00.000-08:00

Who says that Islamic freedom fighters don't have big hearts? One of the Bali "terrorists" has already apologized for killing Australians, only a week or two after the event. Yet the Master of Evil could never bring himself to apologize even after several years of pressure to do so.

It's obvious that this fellow Amrozi is much more compassionate than our "elected leader". He should not just be forgiven. I think Howard should apologize to him for enraging him by all that arse-licking of the Great McSatan.

But it's no use, is it, fellow travellers? He'll never apologize. Because -- unlike us -- John Howard has no heart.

2002-11-08T02:50:00.000-08:00

Yet more speciesism in the media, fellow travellers. This story is about a "vicious" squirrel who habitually attacked children, and was shot by one of the "victim's" relatives. It's reported in a very condescending, rodent-phobic manner, expressing no pity for the furry creature whatsoever.

Certainly, the squirrel had issues. But does anyone ask why? No, they don't, do they? They just shoot first, ask questions later -- just like with that other cuddly, misunderstood hoarder. It's very sad. Very sad indeed.

2002-11-08T01:20:00.000-08:00

See, fellow travellers. We were right all along. The Bali tragedy was America's fault. The validation comes right from the mouth of one of the freedom fighters who was forced to to carry out the bombing.

2002-11-07T05:02:00.000-08:00

Advice to fellow travellers: if you are distributing antiwar or green literature and someone uses terms like "lizard", "snake", or "reptile" to insult you, then remind them of the side blotched lizard, a creature whose entire lifestyle is blissfully, peacefully matriarchal.

Smile sweetly and say, "I know you were trying to hurt me, but really you were paying me a compliment. Thank you so much!" Then give them a big hug and kiss. They'll run away screaming, I can assure you! (I know, I've tried it.)

2002-11-07T03:55:00.000-08:00

Not only is John Howard trying to kill every Indonesian in Australia with his ASIO raids, he's also got Australian scientists blaming them for global warming!

2002-11-05T04:33:00.000-08:00

I've just had a fascinating insight! While dancing with my animal companion Jocelyn, she decided that since I have been such a dutiful fellow traveller and soul-mate to her it was time to disabuse me of my misconceptions about the distant past:

Now, as we all know, the patriarchy is very new. Before peenie-waving testosteroids took over, global peace was the norm under the wise and watchful eye of kind, compassionate and very capable sisters -- much like these women of today. It was kind of like Emily's List in the Serengetti fellow travellers; a truly joyous and life affirming time in herstory.

But did you know that before this, the feline was queen? (Er, and I don't mean that in a monarchist way.) Yes, fellow travellers. Before the patriarchy, and before the matriarchy, there was the catriarchy.

Now, I would like to say to all the women reading this, hey it's okay -- like Jocelyn, they were all feminist cats. So the tom cats most definitely knew their place. And they all lived in harmony with their environment, as Jocelyn does today. And seeing that perhaps humans could benefit from their wisdom, they bestowed catriarchy upon us. This is why the witch always had her familiar, and the ancient Egyptians worshipped felines. No wonder Mediaeval peenie-wavers burned witches at the stake, and their descendants continue their appalling crusades against benign, women-friendly Middle Eastern societies to this day!

This is also why they made the cat's mortal enemy a symbol of duty, and nobility. See, it's a man's best friend isn't it? And "the enemy of my friend is my enemy". No, wait. The "friend of my friend is my enemy". Or, er, "the enemy of my enemy is my, er, friend"... or something.

Whatever, fellow travellers, I'm sure you get my drift. They were afraid. Afraid of feline energy. Which is why cats were put down collectively by the patriarchs then, and are "put down" individually by vets now.

So fellow travellers, I exhort you to do your bit to remember and celebrate the catriarchy. Stroke a nice warm pussy today.

2002-11-03T22:37:00.000-08:00

I doubt very much that this article about fellow traveller Saddam's alleged "brutality" has any truth in it at all. But if it does, and Saddam did torture his pets when he was very young, this is clear evidence that he was an abused child. And we know who to blame for that, don't we? The institutions of marriage and fatherhood -- in short the white male patriarchy.

No wonder Dubya and his fellow British and Australian Anglo peenie-wavers want to get rid of him. He's a reminder of the evil that (white) men do! The want to cover evidence of their own past barbarities and retain their global phallocentric hegemony!

Appalling. Just appalling.

2002-11-02T04:41:00.000-08:00

Dubya is trying to roll back the clock on abortion, fellow travellers! He wants to have human embryos classified as actual persons. Can you believe it? How inhumane is that? We all know that fetuses are just clumps of cells. In fact, so are most right-wingers. Personally, I think we should all be able to abort them anytime, anywhere!

Here's one I'd really like to see in the bottom of a bucket (and I mean that in a really life affirming way).

2002-11-01T20:14:00.000-08:00

Why has the whale shark been fished to near extinction? This story cites its highly valued flesh as the main reason. But I smell a conspiracy. The whale shark is still a shark, right, but it's also a vegetarian, living only on plankton. I suspect that American livestock oppressors and fast food conglomerates are worried that if people see that a fish can subvert its species' gastronomic paradigm, then Homo sapiens is not going to be far behind. They find that idea very threatening indeed, fellow travellers!

So, do your bit to bring down the Great McSatan. Repeat after me: Power to the whale shark! Power to the whale shark right on!

2002-11-01T04:20:00.000-08:00

Yet more vicious Eurocentric propaganda about our fellow traveller Saddam.

2002-10-30T04:44:00.000-08:00

In yet another ill-informed and malicious column, ultra-conservative Miranda Devine attacks the so-called "therapy culture". In it, she blames Kurt Cobain for his own death, and accuses grief counsellors of irrelevance. Well, I happen to be a grief counsellor, and I find that accusation deeply, deeply offensive. In fact, I'm going to counsel myself about it. How? By retreating to my spa to have a good long cry, that's how.

And after that? Well, who knows.

All I can say, fellow travellers, is that if my lifeless body is disovered on my futon after an overdose of valerian, well, you'll know who to blame, won't you?

2002-10-30T04:16:00.000-08:00

Many people would say that that because no-one should be above the law Winona Ryder deserves a prison sentence for shoplifting. Sounds plausible on the surface, but has anyone paused to think more deeply about this case? Being a movie star is an intensely stressful and demanding occupation, after all. An she is working in a very male-dominated culture that is extremely hostile to empowered and talented women. Also, she is a role model to millions of young women the world over. Imagine the devastating effect on their psyches if she were to be put in jail for such a trivial offence!

This event should be put in context. I think she should be given a formal apology, and then be allowed to keep that dress.

2002-10-30T03:47:00.000-08:00

Not only is the media universally sexist and racist, it's also extremely speciesist. If you look a this story about a woman who is suing for distress over unwittingly eating live maggots in a tin of drinking chocolate, you'll see that the story is from a very human-centric point of view. It's all about her distress, her nausea, her lawsuit against the company.

Although she is a woman, and her grievances should be given priority over those of testosteroids, I do think that the kerfuffle is quite absurd since the maggots -- or should I say, "pre-flies" -- were the ones who suffered most in this event.

Really, why are we still mourning the Bali dead when appalling events like these are taking place on a daily basis? It makes me very angry fellow travellers. It really does.

2002-10-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

Appalling right-wing blowhard John J. Ray makes a truly sickening accusation: that Mussolini was a leftist. This rant also implies that we on the left are somehow "fascist". Appalling! He should be blindfolded, stood up against a wall and shot for saying that.

2002-10-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

Here's more evidence of fellow traveller Saddam Hussein's commitment to democracy. Of course the Nazis in the White House say it's a cynical ploy.

Cynical ploy! Ha, they can talk. They say they want to liberate Iraq and protect their own people from death and terror. But what do they really mean, fellow travellers? We know, don't we. It means they want to plunder his oil for their SUVs and open Starbucks and McDonalds chains there, thereby oppressing the population more brutally than Saddam ever did (which he didn't, anyway). And many people actually fall for this ruse. Really, some people can just be so gullible, can't they?

2002-10-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

And so long to you too, Christopher Snitchens! We never liked you anyway, you smug Pommie.

2002-10-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

Sad news, fellow travellers. There is mounting evidence that the bravest freedom fighter of them all has finally been murdered by the Great McSatan. My animal companion Jocelyn and I danced a slow, brooding cat-tango to express our deep sorrow.

But still there is joy, fellow travellers. An heir has been anointed, and Osama's spirit lives on!

Power to the people! Power to the people right on!

2002-10-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

Master of Evil take note: Attack Iraq and you'll be attacking a fully functioning, humanely administered democracy. See, they just had an election, and everyone in the entire country voted for Saddam. Apparently one citizen even wrote: "I love Saddam. I love Saddam more than myself." And to prove it, he wrote it in his own blood. Now a leader doesn't get that popular through fear. He does it through love, compassion, and lots of group hugs. And he also does it by having really high self esteem (see last post), which people notice and are very attracted to. I mean, just look at that smile. Now there's a really healthy ego! And you, Master of Evil, say he's a dictator. Why, because you hate yourself. You're not just evil, Master of Evil, you're also just really, really sad.

2002-10-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

Poor Andrew Sullivan. The title of this rant says it all. He hates himself, and what's the result: he's a conservative. But look at me, fellow travellers. I'm bursting with self esteem. Why? Because I am divine (but not in an elitist way, of course). And what's the result: I'm progressive.

The answer is as clear as my crystal: We need much more self love, not less of it. "And how do we achieve that, Derek?" I hear you ask. By loving me, fellow travellers. By loving me, and following me. Keep doing that, and one day you might just reach the same level of self esteem that I have. Only then will there be peace and harmony in the world.

2002-10-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

Just another thought regarding the significance of names, prompted by Phillip Adams' searing hammering of that kraut (last post): if you rearrange the letters in "Phil Adams" you get: "Hilp Sadam". That's only two letters short of "Help Saddam". Isn't that amazing? Our most noble fellow traveller is subliminally fighting for the rights of another every time he introduces himself on Radio National.

And remember that other fellow traveller John Lennon? His own name evoked Lenin, the mental titan who inspired him. Since these guys have been invoking such inspiring iconic imagery, fellow travellers, the least we can do is invoke them when next we hurl condoms full of wee-wee at the Great Unloofahed. How? By chanting, "Power to the people. Power to the people right on! Help Saddam. Help Saddam! Power to the people. Power to the people right on! Help Saddam. Help Saddam!"

So empowering, hey!

2002-10-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

Greetings fellow travellers. Apologies for not posting lately. I've been away on a retreat for the last couple of days, doing a lot of dancing with my cat and creative sneezing for peace. While I was there I read a truly searing column by the brilliant and courageous Phillip Adams. It described an interview with Great McSatanite Charles Krauthammer. Phillip's description of the significance of this appalling wife-bashing baby-killer's name was particularly insghtful: "It fits its owner like a glove," he wrote. "An iron glove containing, yes, an iron fist. For Krauthammer simultaneously evokes notions of a master race and massive blows to the anvil."

When I read that I just went, "Yes! You've really hit the nail on the head there, Phillip! Because as we all know, language creates reality. And here is a perfect example of this. Even his name is an appalling exhortation to Nazi violence."

And it really got me thinking about other examples of this. Take for instance Ariel Sharon. This doesn't seem to ominous at first. But look a little closer and the truth is revealed. His first name is Ariel, right. Sounds feminine, almost transgendered. But Ariel was the name of a spirit in a play by that right-wing, peenie-waving dead white male William Shakespeare called The Tempest. And what is a tempest? It's a storm. Storm, as in Desert Storm. Scary isn't it?

But wait, there's more: His surname is Sharon. It's spelled the same as the Western female name "Sharon", right? Sharon, as in Sharon Stone. Now Sharon Stone -- apart from being a Great McSatanite and an appallingly regressive anti-feminist icon -- starred in that horrendously homophobic, misogynistic Hollywood "thriller" Basic Instinct. And this film was directed by Paul Verhoeven, who also directed that appalling hymn (him?) to intergalactic violence Starship Troopers.

So you see, operating within a subliminal, verbal-cognitive, pastoral-comical-socio-political, culturally imperialist paradigm, the name "Ariel Sharon" is the embodiment of fascist evil. No wonder he's great mates with Dubya. And I bet he drinks Starbucks coffee too!

2002-10-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that right-wing, peenie-waving comedian Matt Hayden will be doing a short comedy -- or should I say hate speech? -- gig at the Cat and Fiddle pub (corner of Darling and Elliott Streets, Balmain) this Tuesday (15th). I exhort all crusaders against sexism, racism and Great McSatanism to join me in shutting down this appearance.

Me? I'm taking along some condoms full of urine to hurl at him during his "act". (By the way, I do intend to retrieve these condoms and recycle them for use at another demonstration.)

2002-10-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Still more evidence of Nazism in the already rabidly right-wing Australian media, fellow travellers: In a cynical attempt to smear the reputations of the traditional owners of our land, Paul Toohey baselessly accuses Gatjil Djerrkura of pack rape. (Note that Toohey is a white male.)

Appalling. Just appalling.

2002-10-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

I just saw the film Goldmember, the latest Austin Powers "comedy" . People throughout the cinema were laughing all the way through. But I wasn't, fellow travellers. He didn't even get a chuckle from me! It was probably the most appallingly racist, sexist, and right-wing film since Triumph of the Will.

Firstly there was the title: "Goldmember". Can you get any more phallocentric and capitalist! Myers is saying, "I love my peenie. My peenie is valuable. My peenie is the most valuable thing in the world!" And no one complains. I mean there were women in the audience, just falling about. What's going on?

Then of course there is the relentless abuse of the actor playing Mini-me. Considering that dwarf-tossing has just been banned in Europe, it is truly appalling that such a disempowering representatiuon of the vertically challenged -- he is after all, the clone of Dr Evil -- be shown on our film screens. Myers himself may argue that it's a celebratory characterization. But if this was the intention, then the realization falls very short indeed.

The film is also appallingly racist and sexist. In this film Power's sidekick is "Foxy Cleopatra", played by the African American singer Beyonce Knowles. At least she's not anglo, as she was in the last two films. But poor Beyonce has to endure being the butt of Myers' inane gags, and never once gets to say anything remotely radical about slavery, sexism, or American corporatist hegemony. If Myers was to cast a black woman, then why not bell hooks? Clearly Myers is terrified of women in general, and black women in particular. I mean, look at the poster. It speaks for itself, don't you think?

Then there are the famous (and very prominent) Powers teeth. Obviously there is a direct racial connotation -- teeth are white, after all. But there's another layer of meaning there that's even more ominous. They are clearly a sinister metaphor for the growing bellicosity of Britain as a nation, led by the now completely disgraced former fellow traveller Tony Blair.

You may remember Powers' ominous line in the first film: "We won the war, but we lost the teeth." This clearly equates militarism with dentistry, implying that if the British can defend Europe with decaying teeth, surely they are far more powerful when their fangs are immaculate. So, when Powers' dirty, crooked seventies' teeth are renewed to shiny straightness in the noughties, the message is clear: Britain is on the march, determined to build a new Empire! And who with? The Americans of course. For the Great Un-loofahed the gum gags bring on gales of hilarity. But for the right-thinking (and left-leaning) there is no laughter; only disturbing echos of Maureen Dowd's searing image of lemon fizzes on the banks of the Euphrates.

I know I speak on behalf you all when I say, "Mike Myers, we are not amused. Not amused at all!"

2002-09-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

Just had a mind-shattering revelation, fellow travellers!

Regarding that last post: Of course Bush's war is an oil war. And Bush loves oil as much as he loves money. So it's definitely about capitalism. But it's also about sexism, fellow travellers.

Look at this picture. What does that remind you of? Not sure? Here's another clue.

Still not sure? Well, put it this way: Oil wells are built by testosteroids, right? And testosteroids get paid to build them. And when testosteroids have money, they oppress women by buying these.

So, if oil wells looked a bit less like these, and more like these, do you think he'd be quite so enthusiastic about a war with Iraq?

Of course not. He'd just find it all too threatening.

In short, destroying Saddam is Bush's way of oppressing women. Just like his destruction of the Taliban was.

Appalling. Just appalling.

2002-09-30T08:03:00.000-07:00

Appalling right-wing blogger Professor Bunyip questions the idea that Bush's war is an oil war. But of course it's an oil war, you fascist! Americans drive big gas-guzzling cars. And Bush is from Texas. Texas is an oil state. What more evidence do you need?

No blood for oil! No blood for oil!

2002-09-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

The American Civil War was a time of great disruption. Most have heard the tales of brothers shooting at each other in fierce battles fought over slavery. Well, a similar thing is happening now too. You see, since Dubya declared war on freedom fighters once strong bonds of love and friendship have been torn asunder.

Here is one of my dearest fellow travellers, fellow travellers. Festival director Peter Sellars and I have worked together on many projects, and I actually co-wrote the speech he gave to Australians back in 1999, found here. I know that Peter is truly appalled by his leader's empire building. But he is still an American, and has not renounced his citizenship. So I am no longer taking his calls.

It's tough being an activist. But we must be strong, fellow travellers. We must be strong.

2002-09-29T05:57:00.000-07:00

Appalling right-wing peenie-waver Matt Hayden has a vicious outburst about Australia's theatre scene. He cites the highly regarded Deckchair Theatre for special consideration.

I have it on good authority that he performs comedy around Sydney occasionally. I will make some enquiries and find out when and where his next gig is so that we can go along and make our feelings known to him.

2002-09-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

Now, a lot of people think that it's a bit over the top to say that Australia is currently under a fascist, white-supremacist dictatorship. They say, "Where's the proof?" Well, here it is. The one second from the left is clearly Janette Howard. Look at the resemblance. There's clearly no doubt is there?

Also in the photo is the Master of Evil's sinister henchman Christopher Pearson (the chubby guy at the back). I'm also pretty sure that Janet Albrechtsen is the tall bespectacled woman next to Janette Howard.

Wait till I send this to John Faulkner, fellow travellers. I think there's a good chance he'll bring it up in the Senate.

2002-09-27T05:46:00.000-07:00

Here's yet another example of fascist, Aryan domination of our society through the medium of popular culture. How sad it is that so many young women -- some of them women of colour -- are participating in their own oppression by listening to his music.

Okay, so it's nice to know that an African American is second on that list of popular singers, but then, why did he change his surname to "White"? I suspect it was due to a severe case of socially induced self-hatred. At least this fellow is saying it loud and saying it proud, hey!

But fellow travellers, on the other side of the spectrum there's this nasty little testosteroid. Performer Jack Black has clearly adopted this surname in an attempt to assume the sexual and musical attributes that African Americans are reputed to possess naturally.

Some people are just completely obsessed with race, aren't they?

2002-09-27T05:02:00.000-07:00

A truly searing piece in today's Herald. I just couldn't agree more!

2002-09-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Look at Alexander Downer's ridiculous denials of tough-talking, straight-shooting John Faulkner's searing (and very plausible) claims that Australian agents sabotaged Siev X. Just like that other evil Tory before him we know that the more he denies wrongdoing, the more guilty he is.

2002-09-26T07:41:00.000-07:00

Those Nazis are at it again. Greg Sheridan puts the conflict with fellow traveller Saddam Hussein into a typically Eurocentric, antithetical dichotomy: Either Tony Blair is a monstrous liar or Saddam Hussein is. Take your pick.

Yeah, thanks a lot Greg. You're sounding a lot like the father of all peenie wavers there. Remember when he said to the world, "You're either with us, or against us!". With or against: another Eurocentric dichotomy, hey!

But that kind of thinking is just so passe! As we all know, there's no such thing as the truth -- and therefore no such thing as a lie. All we have are many different takes on reality.

But those right-wingers just don't get it, do they? Not like all of us on the left. No, they just can't accept that we're right, and they're wrong.

2002-09-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

I was watching a natural history show on the Discovery Channel last night, fellow travellers, and I was shocked to see even more phallocentric and sexist oppression in the nomenclature of animals. Here are but three examples. They are, respectively, the tit, the dik dik and the booby.
(Note that the tit and the booby are also "birds". Read here for some useful contextualization.)

I was truly appalled by this, and so was Jocelyn, my pussy.

2002-09-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

Just found some more evidence of fascist, Eurocentric bias. Here it is in retail, and the media. But the most appalling example is in the world of popular culture. Look at that photo. Three of the band members are blond! And they're all testosteroids. Where are the women!

It's appalling. I can just imagine the crowd at their concerts.

Ugh! I'm feeling quite nauseous. I'm going to have a cup of peppermint tea and a nice lie down (on my futon).

2002-09-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

The goose-stepping of Nazis the world over is reaching fever pitch, fellow travellers. Eurocentric right-wingers are busily attempting ro dominate cyberspace. And not just with their appalling online magazines, such as this one. (And on that point, is there any media oulet which isn't right wing anyway?)

No, they are also infecting search engines. Just today I typed the word "west" into Google. It returned 6 830 000 matches. Then I typed in the word "east". 5 850 000 matches there -- a whole one million fewer than the first. Then I entered "middle east". That returned a mere 3 800 000 matches!

Considering the Internet is supposed to be such a bastion of free speech and diversity, this undeniably Eurocentric trend is deeply concerning.

2002-09-21T23:46:00.000-07:00

Ever notice that in families headed by appalling right-wing Afghan baby-eating patriarchs the offspring rebel; whereas in those headed by kind, spiritual, benign fathers the offspring tend to emulate them?

Interesting isn't it?

2002-09-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

Another sign that Nazism is on the rise in Australia.

2002-09-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling quite erky fellow travellers. You see bilby-killing, Starbucks coffee-drinking, freedom fighter-slandering racist Nazi Tim Blair is sneering at Bob Brown's very wise suggestion on Lateline that John Howard should go to Iraq and meet with Saddam Hussein.

As fellow traveller Tariq Ali once pointed out on the same show, "these are not crazy people".

Still, I fear that even if Howard took Bob Brown's advice, the trip would be doomed. You see, he is just so repressed, so full of Eurocentric joylessness that he wouldn't be able to connect with the warm, affable Hussein.

Clearly Howard's chi is severely blocked. The only time he does manage a grin is when he is performing his appalling Nazi salute. He's so far gone, so blocked, that even one of my patented, paradigm-busting creative sneezing sessions wouldn't be able to free him.

To be honest, I just don't know what the solution is.

Oh it's appalling. Just appalling.

2002-09-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

Really, these war-mongers just don't get it do they fellow travellers? I just read an entry ("frightening stuff") by one of the Australian belligerati. Okay, like being gassed to death may seem an unpleasant way to go. But the Universe doesn't make mistakes. It's karma. Those Kurds must have done something really horrible in a previous life.

2002-09-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

Just recently I was walking past the Enmore Theatre when I saw a poster for an appallingly phallocentric comedy show.

Now, many people say that this "puppetry of the penis" is all harmless fun (even those on the left -- can you believe it?). Well, I beg to differ. There is a far more sinister subtext to this fellow travellers.

I believe that it is part of the vast right-wing conspiracy. You see by making people laugh at the peenie, they are seemingly subverting the the phallocentric paradigm. But in seemingly subverting it, they are actually perpetuating it. Because if we laugh at literal peenies, then we will also laugh -- or at least be indifferent to -- destruction caused by metaphorical peenies (i.e. guns, bullets and missiles). In short fellow travellers this is preparing the way for this.

I suspect the plan was hatched when the "penis puppeteers" were on tour in America. The father of all peenie-wavers sent special forces to meet them -- perhaps the same special forces who engineered the downfall of Natasha Stott-Despoja. And I suspect the "penis puppeteers" were given vast sums to return to Australia and continue performing their show.

Not convinced? Look closely at the poster. Why are they both wearing dark glasses, just like the President's bodyguards? Also, one of the duo's favorite tricks is called "the hamburger" (sorry, I don't have a photo). "Hamburger", as in McDonalds. Chilling.

And how about this: Dick-trick is almost the exact inverse of Tricky Dicky .

What more evidence do you need? It's fascist sleight-of-gland. Sisters, organise a girlcott!

2002-09-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

Here's another example of French arrogance. This appalling racist suggests that Islam is dumb! Fancy vilifying a whole religion like that. I'll bet he's a Bible-thumping flat-Earther! Thank God -- er, sorry, Phillip Adams -- we don't have such malevolent, ultra-conservative people like that in our country, hey!

2002-09-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

Another thought regarding Matt Hayden's latest blog entry: In it, he calls the French "frogs". As we all know, comparing such racist, imperialistic, nuclear bomb-testing white supremacists to humble, life-affirming amphibians is an appalling act of speciesism.

What an insensitive pig he is.

2002-09-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

Appallingly racist, sexist, right-wing blogger Matt Hayden attempts humour with a facetious jibe at Thierry Meyssan, whose book The Big Lie suggests that the Americans, not freedom fighters, committed the "atrocity" on September 11. Well I've read Thierry's book and as much as I sympathise with his politics, I just can't agree with him. As we all know, Americans just aren't that clever.

2002-09-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

Well, my blog is finally having an impact, fellow travellers. I seem to have annoyed an appalling right-wing blogger, always a good sign. He suggested that Fred Hilmer, Fairfax media mogul, should hire me as an Opinion editor. He was obviously being facetious. But the irony is that I was actually offered the job -- just two days ago, in fact.

There were a lot of negotiations going on. My people saw their people. Lawyers bustled back and forth. Mobiles were buzzing all over the place. It was really exciting, fellow travellers! But the contract fell through at the last minute. You see, one of my stipulations was that my animal companion Jocelyn be given a weekly column on animal rights and environmental issues.

The regular columnists assembled in the Sydney office to debate the appointment. They decided that this was asking too much. You see, they believed an indigenous animal would have been much more appropriate.

Just then Richard Neville entered the room. He was down from the Blue Mountains for World Hug Day. Hearing the discussion, he suggested his spirit guide -- a pygmy wombat named Rousseau -- as a replacement. Everyone wholeheartedly agreed. But Jocelyn wasn't too happy. And soon Rousseau was, well, a little worse for wear.

That's the media for you: really dog eat dog (and cat eat wombat!).

The staff were appalled. So was I, since Jocelyn never preys on indigenous species. Since Rousseau was the last remaining pygmy wombat Robert Manne sagely decided to classify the unfortunate incident as genocide.

I pointed out that at least Jocelyn was female, not male, and Siamese, not European. To their credit the assembled columnists decided that these were ameliorating factors. So I would not have to pay reparations; a heartfelt apology would suffice.

I was just about to call John Howard's office to demand that he deliver one on behalf of the nation when Richard, now in tears, noticed that Jocelyn's eyes were blue.

"I knew it was a conspiracy," he yelled. "She's not Siamese. She's an Aryan! Fascist cat! Fascist cat!"

Considering Jocelyn's deep social conscience (she's a really political animal, hey!) and her commitment to environmental causes this was a truly appalling accusation. But before I even had time to seek legal representation Jocelyn vomited up a fur ball. It contained a small bugging device!

It turned out that Rousseau wasn't a progressive wombat after all. He was a right-wing mole!

I was relieved to discover that Jocelyn's instincts were correct after all. We're still deciding whether or not to sue Fairfax for the distress the whole incident caused us both.

And all I can say is: with fellow travellers like Richard Neville, who needs global right-wing corporatist hegemonies?

Still, Fairfax continues to do a fine job despite its mistake in not hiring us.

2002-09-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's Thursday here in Australia, and I thought whole obscene orgy of self-pity would be over already. But no fellow travellers. The flag-sucking and patriotism is continuing unabated. These peenie-waving McSatanites just don't know when to stop, do they? It's just appalling. I mean, hey, get over it! Be spiritual about it, let it go already.

Okay, so it's appalling. But they are Americans. We've come to expect that kind of behaviour. But what is truly sinister is that even Australians continue to show their respects. Look at this.

There are well over 6000 Australians who had the audacity to actually show their sympathy for the Great McSatan. Think how offensive this must be to Muslims in this country. I simply cannot bear to imagine it.

But what to do? I suggest a new arm of HREOC, devoted entirely to quashing inappropriate expressions of grievance. Then such tasteless displays as the Yahoo tribute will be replaced by much more humane, kind and empowering ones.

2002-09-11T06:17:00.000-07:00

Greetings, fellow travellers. Aren't you just so glad that this S11 thing is finally over? I'm just so sick of all the badge-wearing and respects-paying. That whole "disaster" happened a year ago. And only 3000 Americans died! But think, in the year that followed, thousands of bilbies were squashed by cars, trucks and motorbikes; hundreds of thousands of appalling blonde jokes were told in front of women in complete defiance of enlightened sexual harassment legislation; and tens of millions of Starbucks coffees were served! Appalling. Truly appalling.

Where are the memorials for the ones who suffered those acts of barbarity?

Nowhere. Of course.

We've still got a long way to go, fellow travellers. A long, long way to go...

2002-09-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have been hearing a lot of talk about these alleged "rapes" in the West of Sydney. The Great Unloofah-ed is just foaming with outrage and condemnation. Typical. But has anyone spared a thought for the alleged "rapists"? Sure, these guys are angry, but don't you think they have a right to be? I mean, they've had to suffer the indignation of their culture being mocked and degraded in the ultra-right wing (i.e. mainstream) media for years. And they have to sit and watch while white trash redneck women flaunt their bodies in front of them, in open mockery of their culture.

As a committed feminist, I agree totally that rape is not on. But wasn't there a worse rape going on here? And not just one but several.

Think about it: these guys were having their culture raped day in, day out. Also, their women (and of course I don't mean that in the possessive sense) were having their honour degraded by the shameless cavortings of those around them.

Then there was the fact that the shameless cavortings themselves were not actual expressions of sexual liberation! No, they were sad and pathetic acts of obeisance to the white, patriarchal, male-gaze perpetuating paradigm of the Great McSatan.

Just look at any centrefold (er, not that I ever have -- well, I did once just to see how appalling it was). Look at the faces of those naked women. Are they happy? Are they proud of their bodies? Are they free? No, look closer and you can see the sadness in their eyes.

As usual, the Nazis in the media have got it all upside down. The so-called "sexual freedom" of today's women is actually a cage -- and an American-made cage at that! Most of the pornography in the world comes out of the US, remember.

So, not only were the "rapists" being raped, but their culture and their women were too -- and so were the alleged "victims"!

These guys weren't raping. If anything they were being chivalrous, trying to liberate those women in the only way they knew how. So don't condemn them. You're blaming the victim if you do!

2002-09-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

Just phoned Foreign Minister Downer's office to offer my suggestion regarding Iraq. And wouldn't you know it, no one answered! I just got a recorded message. Okay, so it is after midnight here in Sydney. Still, you'd think the office would be attended, wouldn't you?

But no, it isn't. That's just so typical of this appalling government, don't you think? Not only are they warmongering, peenie-waving, Afghan baby-eating, white-picket-fence-building white supremacists, but they're also really lazy.

Appalling. Just appalling.

2002-09-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

As the Great McSatan prepares to invade Iraq, there's been a lot of talk in the media about how brutal Saddam Hussein is. But did you know that he is actually a very creative man? Have a look here. The article itself is typical of Reason -- full of vicious right-wing sneering. Just appalling. But still, the fact that he writes fiction is interesting, don't you think? I mean, if he has an artistic streak, then he's clearly quite sensitive, isn't he?

Okay, so he invaded Kuwait, launched scuds at Israel, and gassed the Kurds, but I reckon deep down he's just a big softie. If the West wants him to cease being a threat, they should stop this sabre rattling, and just go in there and give him a big hug, hey! I reckon that would work.

But no one's willing to try it, of course. They're just so locked into those phallocentric, Eurocentric, "war is good" paradigms, aren't they?

But anyway I'm going to phone Lexie Downer's office with the idea and see if I can change his mind.

2002-09-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

I've just read the most truly appalling article by Janet Albrechtsen in today's Australian. Honestly, she truly is an evil bitch (and I mean that in a feminist way).

The article is just appalling. So appalling, that I couldn't read it all. But the general gist is that she condemns the entire Muslim world for September 11! Truly appalling.

She writes "we all wanted to kill the bastards". Hey, excuse me! Speak for yourself Janet!

If the "bastards" she speaks of were the "terrorists" (i.e. freedom fighters), then I certainly did not. I wanted to give those guys a big squishy, life affirming hug and say, "Well done, fellas! You just struck a blow for humanity and freedom!" But I couldn't, unfortunately. They were all dead, along with their "victims" (i.e. oppressors).

So I couldn't hug them. But I danced. I danced in the garden with my cat Jocelyn. We danced for Osama, and all his surviving freedom fighters waging peace on the Great McSatan. And we danced for all those Palestinian freedom fighters prepared to tie explosives to their torsos and sacrifice their lives in the struggle against those evil Nazi Jews in Israel. Yes, we danced for hours! And we would have danced for many hours more, except Jocelyn saw a small bird with a broken wing and had to go and kill it. (By the way it wasn't a native bird -- it was a finch, an introduced species. So that was okay. That's Jocelyn for you, an environmentalist to the end!)

But back to Janet and her "bastards". It's very clear that Janet doesn't want to kill the "terrorists", or even their radical sympathisers. She clearly wants to kill all Muslims!

And she's the one saying they are barbaric!

Appalling. Just appalling.

2002-09-04T01:31:00.000-07:00

Greetings to all my fellow travellers out there in Blogdom. It's truly joyous and really life-affirmingly wonderful to be here.

My aim in writing this blog is to express myself of course, but also to offer my wisdom and guidance to the less spiritually and politically evolved -- namely: all of you.

You see, we are now in a very difficult time, fellow travellers. Here in Australia the evil John Howard and his vicious right-wing henchmen have taken over this once tolerant nation. If we're not careful, there could be another Holocaust!

We must stop this happening. So I exhort you to fight fire with Sapphire!

"But how, Derek?" I hear you ask. Well, you can shop at the Body Shop, as I often do. Or you can sit at home, meditating on the wonder of Derek. You could also dance with your cat, or perhaps take one of my creative sneezing courses.

So yes, be an activist. Get out there, shout down Howard's ministers whenever they speak in public, throw condoms full of your wee-wee at the Great Unloofah-ed. Get angry, but do it in a loving way, hey!

I know that seems like a contradiction, and might not make sense to many. But hey that's okay. I rarely do "make sense". And people notice this. They say, "Derek, you're a real paradox."

I say "I know." (Not that you can truly know anything of course, since everything is constructed. But you know what I mean when I say "you know". You know?) But anyway, they say, "You're a paradox, because you're a real leftie, an activist. But you're also religious and New Age. Isn't that a contradiction? Because, like, Karl Marx said religion is the opiate of masses, didn't he?"

Then I say, "No, hey! Excuse me! Correction! Now let's get this straight -- but not in a homophobic way, of course." I say, "Yes I am an activist (hey go comrades!). But I'm not religious. I'm spiritual. There's a difference. Religious people like God. But spiritual people are God-like. Okay?"

So, I am not espousing an opiate for the masses. Rather, I am espousing a kind of metaphorical guarana for the elites. And I don't mean that in an elitist way, of course. (Nor would I take guarana myself. My metabolism is so delicate, I don't think I could handle it!)

So I am a paradox -- but at the same time, I'm not. And I don't make any sense at all. And by not making sense, I do.

Clear?

Thought so.